“I’m fine.”

Have you ever said that, when you know it wasn’t true?

Has someone said it to you, and you knew they were lying?

I can admit to both. Sometimes I’ve breezily just said it as a way to avoid talking about how I was really feeling. It was my way of keeping my chin up, of moving upward and onward and past hurt, or disappointment, and disquieting thoughts.

And when other people say it, and I sense it’s not true, I usually just move on to something else, respecting their privacy.

But what happens when you can’t just “Keep Calm and Carry On?”

The deaths this week of fashion designer Kate Spade and celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain, both reportedly by suicide, have prompted more conversations on social media, and in private, about mental illness.

Personally, their deaths have made me rethink my assumptions about depression and the way I check in with the people I care about. Are they really “just fine?” Do I rush past their responses to move on to something else?

Do I care enough to take some time to probe a little deeper?

According to the American Psychological Association, symptoms of depression can include a prolonged sense of sadness and loss, feeling angry and irritable, losing interest in activities and withdrawing from friends and family.

Do you know someone who has some of these symptoms? Honestly, I’ve checked all of those boxes at some point. Sometimes I’ve reached out to close friends and even sought help from a physician.

As I learn more about the challenges that some of my friends, former classmates, and associates have struggled with over the years, I’ve come to assume that many of us grapple with depression at some point in our lives.

That girl who seems to have it all together. The brother juggling family, spiritual, and work obligations. That older, mature sister trying to stay busy to distract from how she’s really feeling. Or the one that has suffered incredible loss and seems to be bouncing back and coping with a new reality.

Sometimes they need more than just a pat on the back, a passing greeting, or a text message.

They may need you to speak up, to ask a few more questions, and to spend some precious time with them.

Over the next few days, the media will analyze Kate and Anthony’s life from every angle. We will mourn their deaths on social media, share experiences of loved ones touched by depression, and extend offers to be just “a phone call away.”

And hopefully, collectively, we can think more about how we take care of each other.  We can make the call, instead of asking the other person to do it if they need us. And we can talk to the people we care about in real life, instead of just on social media.

And when someone tells you “I’m fine,” ask them, “Are you sure?”